Wham Bam, Thanks.

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My heart has grown so wide and expansive, it beckons life to fill it. I am humbled by my own capabilities to be able to wipe away my deep-seated fears and deep-rooted whims to start the new year with a clean slate. No residual back-pedaling, only fresh initiatives and opportunities for my heart to be touched and filled with limitless exciting things.

My anticipation and excitement at the prospect of such, when combined, are a force to be reckoned with. I have absolutely no control and I’m loving every second of this freedom. I relish every breath and every creative thought as it enters and leaves my mind, my heart, and my soul. Like a breath of fresh air, my senses are enlivened with every energy particle. In essence, I have a heightened sense of intuitiveness that this year will be the year that last year should have been.

All I can say to that is: Well, gosh darnit! Took ya long enough!

Last Night I Dreamt

Last night I had a dream and it was of you.

I could see you in the front driver seat of your truck. Your smile soft. Your hair full-blown, the likes of which I have never seen before in reality. Yet, so it was in the clarity of my sight. Your shirt collar stark white in contrast to the lion colouring of your hair and the white of your perfect straight teeth. Blue shirt sleeves rolled up along your sun-kissed arms. If I could have smelled the interior of the truck, it would have been coconut shampoo, the warm smell of sunshine and you. I can even guess what song would have been playing on repeat…

As we passed, the slow movement of your actions indicated that you saw me too. It was once too fast and too slow as our eyes met. Your smile blossomed into a grin, as did mine. Your eyes looked away and I shyly waved at you. In a sudden, you came back to me for a brief moment. As we tripped over our words, they floated away before I could grasp any of them; Your physical body blasted away from me like tiny grains of invisible sand before I could ever touch you or feel you close.

Then I saw you with someone new. I turned away before the impact of that could make a dent on my being.

When I awoke, my soul breathed a big loud sigh as I realized that a part of me loved you in that small frame of time we had.

I blew away with you last night, for that’s where I truly yearned to stay and so it shall be in the fading remnants of sleep.

“Pumped Up Kicks” – Foster the People

Inevitable Change

If time stood still, we would not change. What can be considered to some as a bad thing, can also be considered a good thing to others, including me. There is some comfort in knowing that with change comes an evolution of ideas and perceptions.

Today marked a new transition phase for me. I find contentment in resolving conflicts of the heart, mind and body; In further clarifying my current situation, I’ve come to learn that what makes me who I am (and has served me well over the years), is my natural ability to not leap with both feet. I know I talk about doing so if you want to get somewhere, but realistically speaking, it’s easier said than done. I am cautious, by nature, when it comes to people in my life. I’ve had a tough time weeding out the negatives and find that keeping the positives are much more enriching. Sometimes it takes a keen eye to see beyond the surface to the very core of energy in friends, lovers and even family. It may not make sense to others, but I am always willing to be patient with difficult people, for as time passes (much too fast), you will discover that most people can change how you see yourself by how they develop and grow when they are interacting with you. This is never a bad thing. Even when what we discover may be considered negative traits, know that you must have a balance of the bad and the good.

This evolution is ever-growing and changing; This is a good thing, fore if we were to never change and grow, what would we be?

As my dear friend Lily departs for her infamous one month trip to Nepal, we didn’t get a chance to see each other before she leaves and I just want to say that I wish you an evolutionary trip. I’m sure it will shape and change a part of you that no one can see and for that, be grateful, because really, who wishes to remain the same when you are anticipating something magnificent? (It WILL be magnificent.) Much love and warm hugs as you depart on an exciting trip that is bound to give you some amazing memories. XOXO

Life As I Know It Is Everlasting Light

I wrote this blog post at the beginning of the year and just decided to wait until it felt like it was alright to actually post it. I was on hiatus trying to regain my urge to write and share my thoughts. I’m finally back and boy does it feel good…

It’s been a full year. There is no way to accurately describe the amount of emotions that you cycle through when you lose someone you love. Especially when you don’t get a chance to say goodbye while they are still here. When you miss that moment by mere seconds, one heart beat, one breath. That moment is tremendous in the strength of emotion that can take over. However, to know that they waited for you to be near to them before taking their final bow and making that grand exit, that in itself is a truly indescribable feeling. The welling tide of emotion that surfaces when you can feel their departure right down to the core of your soul and the overwhelming sorrow that comes while holding their hand as it goes from glowing warmth to bitter cold.

There are not enough words to describe that moment and then the moments after. When you feel like you are watching from above; the room full of people and you feel like everything is so surreal and it feels like an out-of-body experience. It’s like stop animation: move, pause, move, pause, stutter… And then you just shut out all the noise and all you can feel is everything that you can feel, but a hundred times more pronounced and more intense. It’s like this convoluted mix of high and low emotions dancing around, sometimes like a slow waltz and sometimes like a gyrating fast dance beat, with no clear space in your heart to figure it all out.

Luckily, death is not always such a depressing thing. It should be looked at as a celebration of life. A time to remember all the great and amazing experiences that you’ve had with the people who are important in your life. It’s a funny thing actually, to be able to really remember all the wonderful memories that make up your life and the person you are. When you can clear a small space in the confusion, you become grateful and appreciative for being alive, being able to feel every cell in your body sing with the elation of life pouring through it; For being able to have amazing memories; To be surrounded by people who care and are so full of compassion and warmth; For being able to stand up in front of a roomful of people paying their final respects and be able to share happy memories with them. Your happy memories. Because as heart-wrenchingly sad and devastatingly depressing it is to lose someone you love, you cannot forget how precious it was to have been able to call someone so amazing and someone who loved you so much, one simple word:

Daddy

Everlasting Light

Dearest Daddy,

As I’ve walked, ran and skipped along in my life,

You’ve always held my hand and guided me.

As you pass into the next life,

I will hold yours and guide you.

Love always,

Your Little Girl

Animal Closures

“The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning.”  ~Ivy Baker Priest

“Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire.”  ~Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld, translated from French

Has anyone touched you before? And I don’t mean in an inappropriate way. I mean in a soul-searing, heart-wrenching, mind-boggling way? If you can say yes to that question, you are most definitely lucky as a ducky.

Too bad that sometimes it’s a semi-one-way street and you’re left sitting on the fence wondering which way to go. Well, here’s hoping that the well-lit direction will remain obvious to me for a duration. I just need to see the street long enough to go on my merry way. And boy, do I have a great feeling about it! When the inevitable goodbye occurs, there will be nothing but a radiant light and love left trailing just behind me; Bathing me with warmth, laughter, good intentions and careless delight.

“Animal” – Neon Trees

 

Let Me In, Let Me In, or I’ll Huff and I’ll Puff and I’ll Blow Your House In

“Wild Young Hearts” – Noisettes


Using straw, sticks and bricks to build barriers to keep out the “Big Bad Wolf” is the aim of the “Little Pigs”. However, I must pose this question: Why are the Little Pigs so scared of the Big Bad Wolf? What if he’s not even that big? What if he’s not that bad? What if he’s not really a wolf? I mean, come on, he could just be wearing a costume to hide the fact that he’s actually a “Little Good Piggy”. Alright, so the original story does involve some little piggies being eaten, but let’s say in theory that the first two pigs escape and make it to the third pig’s house and the wolf is actually a pig. He just wants to hang out and have fun too. He just doesn’t have the social manners and grace required to do it the same way the other three pigs do. So now he feels the need to hide his true self behind a wolf costume because he’s hurt that he can’t be part of the other’s inner circle.

We all do this. We all build barriers to keep people out. Some have stronger, sturdier, and stable barriers; And some have flimsy, weak, and fragile ones. But what are we so afraid of? Perhaps one answer to this may be that we don’t want to give another person the opportunity to hurt us. To tear our walls down and make us vulnerable. We are a distrustful lot and if we are not distrustful, then we must be naive, gullible, young, foolish or inexperienced. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It just means we have the latter type of barriers. It isn’t until someone’s actions or words hurt you that you then slowly start to add more things to the barrier. More straw, more sticks, more bricks, more costumes. We start to hide a bit more of our true selves every time we do this.

As the saying goes, “You fool me once, shame on you. You fool me twice, shame on me.” Myself, I’ve been fooled more than once or twice but I continue to have weak, flimsy barriers because I truly believe that not everyone is perfect. We all go through heartache, pain, hurt, loneliness, etc. etc. etc., so how can one imperfect person pass judgement on another imperfect person? Sometimes when those feelings are so strong and intense, my first instinctive reaction is to start building. I’m learning to control the neurotic barrier building because for myself, when I look at the bigger picture of a situation…it can always be worse. You can feel ten times more pain, ten times more loneliness and ten times more heartache. So take hold of those feelings. Remember what they feel like. It makes us human and allows us to reflect and remember fond moments, be it palatable ones or undesirable ones.

Most people commonly react by building these walls. When you do this, you are filtering out the amazing experiences and people you COULD be meeting. The people who can be inspiring to you, the people that you can fall in love with, the people who will fall in love with you, the people who can help you find yourself, the people who can heal your hurt, or the people who could make the loneliness go away. If we build our walls so strong, so high, and so sturdy that no one can get in, how are we to have the opportunity to find all those amazing people and have all those amazing moments? Keep your heart open, keep your barriers light and free because then you can be expansive and receptive to whatever comes your way. When that happens, even the bad things have a way of fading away into a pleasant memory.

Anchor Me

“Anchor” – Mindy Gledhill

 

Wonderful is the company of long-time friends that come back into your life at just the time that they’re supposed to. When you are seeking answers and a proliferation of them are offered to you on a platter. When they buoy your spirits and make you feel that all hope is not lost. It is through our connections with each other that we can better understand ourselves in our own journey to the joyous wonderment that is life.

In this journey, we oftentimes meet people who come and anchor you. They keep you bobbing in the calm, clear waters. And sometimes you anchor them. You lull them into a quiet peacefulness of insight and a new perspective. And here you will stay for as long as each of you are content to be.

Sometimes though, we cannot be anchored when we long to set sail to our own ships; When we want to become acquainted with something unknown, untouchable, and unfamiliar. The need to be swept away by the tides, by waterfalls, and by wild rapids. And so the drawing up of the anchor is inevitable, so that we may meet each other another day, another month or another year, when we have completed our own grand tour of jubilant delight; When we are ready to be anchored at the dock and wish to be content with the “here and now”, with a vast stretch of water behind us and solid ground in front of us.

Here’s to hoping that the inevitable outcome will happen, just as soon as we are ready to touch dry land.


We’ve Come A Long Way Baby

“There comes a point in your life when you realize:  

Who matters,

Who never did,

Who won’t anymore,

And who always will.

So, don’t worry about people from your past,

there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.”

~ A.L. Gordon

Lately, this is what I’ve been thinking about. People who matter and why certain people come into and leave your life when they do. I truly believe that there is a reason for everything. That there is some higher power or force that manipulates their magical little fingers in the threads of life. They pull taut some threads and slacken on others. It is through those little barriers that we do not meet certain people and through those little holes that we do. Some are allowed to freely enter and some are barricaded out. Is this not fair in some way? Yes. But no one ever said life was fair. In fact, on the contrary, and to that end, we find ourselves being woven into the different fabrics of other people’s lives, as they are into ours.

Sometimes you get woven into rich, exotic, and luxurious fabrics. Lives that are lush and intoxicating. Experiences that take your breath away. That stop you in your tracks and you can’t breath at the sheer beauty of it. Or you are woven into vintage, printed polyester. Where you are taken back to a place that is at once familiar by sight, but not by touch, by smell, or by sound. But where you feel warm and stable, you know what to expect, how to act, and how to feel. Sometimes you are woven into delicate, organic raw fabrics. Where life is fragile and quiet, unfolding in the summer breeze and the sun melts away the worries. And sometimes  it isn’t any of the above but something more rugged and distressed. Where things are hard and heavy; Tough and earthy.

Whatever it may be, we still live, laugh, love, cry, crumble and then we pick ourselves up and do it all over again. When we look closely again at the fabric of our own lives, we see where the different coloured threads are woven in and out of each other, the delicate fibres coming together and we realize that they create a beautiful intricate, distinct pattern that is all our own.



Can I Have You?

Ah, Vancouver and it’s crazy weather. Strangely enough, after the continuous rain we kept getting last night and into the late morning, it stopped and the sun came out. I wonder if anyone can see any rainbows? I rarely see any here, mostly because it’s always grey and cloudy. Hopefully this winter will prove to not be so gloomy…(yeah right.)

Rain always seems to be a sign of renewal and hope. That once the downpour passes, there awaits something great and new. Something exciting and filled with brilliance. Almost like the a POT OF GOLD…but only if a rainbow appears. I remember riding my bike as a child, up and the down the street with my little brothers. My dad would be mowing the lawn or gardening. And then it would suddenly rain. My dad would herd us inside to play but I used to like just sitting at the window watching the rain come down. Waiting, waiting, waiting for it to pass because I knew that a rainbow would come right after. And sometimes two or three!

So in keeping with that, I’m waiting for the rain to dry and to find a multitude of rainbows. Maybe then, I can find a true treasure? Or I would settle for a mango tree…

“Mango Tree” – Angus and Julia Stone