Go on, I’m fearless…

“Fearless” – Colbie Caillat

Sometimes I still am trying to wrap my head around the how, the what, and the why of failed relationships. My whole life I’ve always been a scaredy cat. In the past, if I liked someone, I would keep it to myself; if someone liked me, but I didn’t reciprocate, I would run. Very rarely have I had the opportunity to like someone who liked me back. Why is that?

I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin until well after high school. Then, the small connections with like, lust, and love seemed elusive. Always a little out of reach. If only I had the mettle to encompass the intangible, who knows what I would have learned. However, in that time, I was lucky enough to meet someone who I was able to share my life with for a good 8 years. In that first blush of love, I was able to slowly blossom into myself, and for that I am sincerely grateful.

Even now, as much as I give the appearance of being self-assured and confident, that little cat still lives on inside. As much as I undauntingly try to pursue the things I love; the things I am passionate about; and the things I want to learn about; I am still struggling with that cat. But I know that everything that has happened to me, has a purpose. What that is? I have no idea yet, but even now as I am sitting here typing away, I am sure there is some coincidental way that it will all come together.

As people enter and leave my life, may they be new or old; acquaintance, friend or lover; I want to be able to say, “You know what? At least I tried.” I don’t want to ever think that I could be making the same mistakes over and over without realizing my own folly. Instead of running away, I’ve learnt to stay put and say my piece. The funny thing is that as much as I am resolving to be like this, not everyone else can be the same. And you know what? I’m okay with that.