I wrote this blog post at the beginning of the year and just decided to wait until it felt like it was alright to actually post it. I was on hiatus trying to regain my urge to write and share my thoughts. I’m finally back and boy does it feel good…
It’s been a full year. There is no way to accurately describe the amount of emotions that you cycle through when you lose someone you love. Especially when you don’t get a chance to say goodbye while they are still here. When you miss that moment by mere seconds, one heart beat, one breath. That moment is tremendous in the strength of emotion that can take over. However, to know that they waited for you to be near to them before taking their final bow and making that grand exit, that in itself is a truly indescribable feeling. The welling tide of emotion that surfaces when you can feel their departure right down to the core of your soul and the overwhelming sorrow that comes while holding their hand as it goes from glowing warmth to bitter cold.
There are not enough words to describe that moment and then the moments after. When you feel like you are watching from above; the room full of people and you feel like everything is so surreal and it feels like an out-of-body experience. It’s like stop animation: move, pause, move, pause, stutter… And then you just shut out all the noise and all you can feel is everything that you can feel, but a hundred times more pronounced and more intense. It’s like this convoluted mix of high and low emotions dancing around, sometimes like a slow waltz and sometimes like a gyrating fast dance beat, with no clear space in your heart to figure it all out.
Luckily, death is not always such a depressing thing. It should be looked at as a celebration of life. A time to remember all the great and amazing experiences that you’ve had with the people who are important in your life. It’s a funny thing actually, to be able to really remember all the wonderful memories that make up your life and the person you are. When you can clear a small space in the confusion, you become grateful and appreciative for being alive, being able to feel every cell in your body sing with the elation of life pouring through it; For being able to have amazing memories; To be surrounded by people who care and are so full of compassion and warmth; For being able to stand up in front of a roomful of people paying their final respects and be able to share happy memories with them. Your happy memories. Because as heart-wrenchingly sad and devastatingly depressing it is to lose someone you love, you cannot forget how precious it was to have been able to call someone so amazing and someone who loved you so much, one simple word:
As I’ve walked, ran and skipped along in my life,
You’ve always held my hand and guided me.
As you pass into the next life,
I will hold yours and guide you.
Your Little Girl